MANY FOLKS—ESPECIALLY those still working—think retirement is “living the good life.” The truth is, unless you develop a solid plan for how to enjoy your newly available time, life after retirement can be filled with bouts of boredom, anxiety and even depression. My objective: Forewarn recent and soon-to-be retirees of the emotional dangers that lie ahead—and to suggest a road to a successful retirement.
Retirement isn’t a destination but a journey with three key stops. The first stop is the “honeymoon.” Excitement prevails. Retirees rest, go on trips, indulge in hobbies and do the things they always wanted to do. This part of the transition usually lasts about a year.
After an initial high, many retirees suffer a letdown. Retirement, as imagined, is not a permanent vacation. The second stop is “hitting the wall.” Is this all there is? Often, this phase will begin with restlessness. We start to miss the interaction with former colleagues. Boredom can begin creeping in and may even turn into sporadic depression. This is the most dangerous stop on the journey. A minority start abusing alcohol or drugs to alleviate the depression. Some may never progress beyond this second stop.
Meanwhile, the vast majority continue to the third stop—“redefinition”—where they build a new identity and develop new habits. This is the most difficult stop in the journey. A sustained effort, often involving substantial trial and error, is needed to move beyond this stop and successfully complete the journey. This can take anywhere from six months to a couple of years. Unfortunately, many fail to achieve closure and remain stuck in a traditional retirement mindset, embracing a passive lifestyle with little to look forward to each day.
How to avoid this fate? New retirees often lack direction, so they need a plan that’ll guide how they use their time. Fortunately, a number of studies help. For instance, a recent study found that retirees’ happiness correlates with participation in active versus passive activities. Will you be a participant or a spectator? This study is reinforced by another study, which documented that happy retirees have twice as many “active” activities as unhappy retirees.
Active activities or pursuits can be either outer-directed, occurring in a social setting like volunteering, or inner-directed, such as a hobby practiced alone. Research has shown that a balance between both types is necessary for an optimal retirement. Interacting with people other than our immediate family can add as much as four years to our longevity. By contrast, loneliness can shorten life by as much as eight years. In addition, active solo activities, such as crossword or jigsaw puzzles, and hobbies, such as painting or gardening, can help us maintain our cognitive abilities.
The bottom line: Our happiness after retirement hinges on our pursuits. And the more pursuits we have, and the more diverse they are, the happier we’ll be. The worst part of retirement is losing our identity. The best part is finding a new one. I know all about this.
I retired initially at age 58, having run a successful marketing research firm in Manhattan for 25 years. I sold the firm to my junior partner and off I went. For two years, I did some consulting and taught at Fordham University’s Lincoln Center campus. I finally packed it in at age 60.
The first year or so was great. My daughter got married. My wife and I took trips to Italy and San Diego. We also visited a number of good friends and many close relatives. And I enjoyed not commuting to Manhattan every day.
But after about 10 months, I started to become restless and bored, and subsequently slipped into depression. Thankfully, a friend suggested psychotherapy, which I underwent for six months. I consider myself lucky. Two of my fellow retirees spiraled into alcohol abuse and one into drug addiction.
After undergoing psychotherapy, it took another year or so to develop a meaningful and enjoyable direction. I’ve been assisting other seniors on a voluntary basis, first teaching computer basics and then helping retirees—those who still wish to work—to obtain jobs. More recently, I’ve been giving a presentation titled “Creating Yourself in Retirement: The Emotional Aspect” at libraries in New York and Connecticut.
Nowadays, I belong to the Retired Men’s Association (RMA) of Greenwich, which currently has 237 members and is dedicated to good fellowship, community service and fun. It’s a great organization for men to network. Activities are plentiful and I’ve developed some new friends.
It’s been 26 years since I fully retired. I’m 86 years old and my wife is 81. Although it took me a little time to get going in retirement, I now have a full schedule—and I look forward to almost every day.
Michael Amoroso, BBA, MBA, has been retired for 26 years, after previously running a highly successful marketing research firm in Manhattan. Following his retirement, he was the director of a nonprofit helping retirees, who still wish to work, to find jobs. Mike currently lectures on life after retirement at libraries in New York and Connecticut. His 25 presentations have been attended by more than 500 people.
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I think the biggest transformation for me is learning to live without an “agenda.” When you’re working there’s a mindset, what’s the next thing I have to accomplish. Without the built in agenda, it feels empty. But it’s not. You now can fill up your time with what you want whenever you want with no rigid schedule. It can seem like I wasted the whole morning relaxing on my deck in the Rocky Mountain foothills doing nothing. But that’s the point, I can now do that if I want. In a way it is a permanent vacation, but you have to notice how much you’ve been driven previously and say without guilt, no more of that. It’s learning to be OK (not depressed) without “accomplishing.”
I was thinking, with Rob, that angst in retirement was more an issue for men, and for extroverts, but I suspect it actually has more to do with identifying too much with your job. I, female and introverted, have been retired for 23 years, and have never missed my job (software engineer).
I retired (early, at 53) in 2000, and traveled extensively until grounded by rheumatoid arthritis in 2017. I planned travel, traveled (usually three to six months at a time, although ten months for “Scotland to Saigon by Rail”), wrote about travel and found like-minded people on the Fodors forums.
RA was followed by Covid, and since my medication suppressed my immune system I spent nearly three years at home alone. I enjoyed it – the library still functioned, I did jigsaws on the computer, the NYT crossword and then Spelling Bee and Wordle, took out a subscription to Great Courses that let me watch any series I chose, and communicated occasionally over Zoom and phone. I’m not alone in that – I was talking to a fellow female introvert just last week who said the same. Maybe enjoying your own company just takes practice – I spent a lot of time alone growing up.
Now that I’m moving to a communal living environment I have been volunteering at my future community as practice for living with others, but not because I didn’t like living alone.
I’m with you. I have some nostalgia for my first career as a military officer, but my second corporate one? Zero. I enjoyed it okay, but I don’t miss it a bit.
Thank you for noting introverts’ issues. I’m a charter member of the introverts group here at my CCRC. To promote healthy aging, the emphasis when I arrived was almost entirely on group activities, organized mostly by extroverts. We introverts were happier doing mostly solo activities or socializing with just one or two people at a time. We founded the introverts group to raise awareness of the different needs and preferences of introverts cf. extroverts.
Thanks for posting this. We will be moving to a CCRN when it opens in early December and I like the idea of organizing an introverts group.
Now that’s an interesting idea I might should pursue. Do you have meetings?
Yes: a monthly Zoom call and a monthly luncheon in one of the small dining rooms, each of which for whoever feels like attending that day. And a Google group email for posting interesting articles, memes, etc., which also enables us to know who the other introverts are, so we recognize each other and know we have that connection.
Thanks. ☺️
At the end of 2023 I will celebrate 20 years of retirement! I still recall advice given at my retirement party by a former colleague. He said there are 3 phases to retirement:
My own assessment is that my wife and I are on the cusp between phase 1 and phase 2. So we are now planning and hoping for an equally long Slow-Go phase, as we can both remember our parents’ decline into phase 3.
Thank you for your reflection. My friends and family joke that I approached retirement like finding a job. I organized it into three categories—mind, body, spirit—mapping out activities that would nurture each. While I was working as a marketing executive in the tech field, I had plenty to stimulate my mind but the work was so hectic I often didn’t have time to take care of my health and spiritual life as I would have wanted. Now I have time to do that with a robust exercise routine and engagement in my spiritual group. The “mind” category is fed by volunteer activities in organizations that I care about, serving on a couple of boards and pursuing my passions of cooking, film and travel. If we take the effort to consider what truly “feeds” us, retirement can be such a gift.
I hesitate with this comment to wade into the thin ice of gender but here goes-I admittedly generalize with some trepidation. One bit implicit in this piece it seems to me, but not specifically mentioned, is gender differences in retirement. I’m no expert but if I am not mistaken, there also studies indicating men frequently are more challenged than women when it comes to retirement. Men frequently have a loss of purpose and identity when they leave their work roles and women are generally better, it seems, at building social networks. I think my wife and I are typical of this-I have few buddies that I see once in awhile and my wife has several groups of lunch buddies and tons of friends. She retired 6 years ago seamlessly and never looked back, adjusting wonderfully. Me, I am still consulting part-time, easing my way through the transition. I like the idea of retired men’s groups and will be looking into it. Thanks for the piece.
I enjoyed your article very much, Michael. After my “honeymoon” year of traveling, I reached the bored/restless phase and, very serendipitously, was offered a well-paying part time job that took advantage of my years as a home-visiting nurse. Hubby, who had retired earlier, wasn’t entirely happy with that, as he wanted more travel and a move out of the city. 18 months later, I quit the job and we moved. Now widowed, I’m happy in the town and house we chose and, unexpectedly, have found myself very busy as the co-chair of the board for a local non-profit. I had never served on a board or had any kind of management experience so, in my 70’s, I’m learning new skills, contributing to my community and still have time to travel and volunteer at my church. As you state, it can take a while to find ourselves in retirement, but once we do, it’s a good feeling.
Thank you for mentioning the Retired Men’s Association. That sounds like a great organization, and I’ll see if we have something similar in this area. It’s counterintuitive that you have to “work” at retirement but it’s so different that it does require some effort. Glad you have full days now. Thank you for sharing your story.
I was fortunate to be able to transition into retirement allowing me to find my way while still working part time. During the ten years of retirement it has been rare for me to be bored. My activities have changed during the course of my retirement. I was actively cycling at first but now I am doing less of that and more hiking. I was very involved in volunteer work within my community but now I am doing more outside of my immediate community. All the while I am developing new friendships which for me is very important. My working life feels like a distant memory and I am enjoying retirement very much.
Retirement is part of a long journey. We aren’t going to change our personality, the things we enjoy or don’t because we no long are employed.
Attitude, health and financial resources are the keys to a happy retirement. Attitude being the most important in my opinion which includes understanding that just because you retire, you don’t have to be someone different or forced to do new things.
A person who likes to be around others may be a joiner, people like me have a few friends and no interest in joining an organization of people like me – that thought is scary in any case.
Where I live I could participate in many activities from the dreaded pickle ball, to cards, pool, bus trips, etc. I choose very few, except golf with a small group of guys in our community. Others seem to be in the thick of everything.
I’ve been retired 14 years and never been bored, unless by choice. I attribute that be being ready to retire and knowing it – and not being cajoled into the delights of “early” retirement.
I had no plan, no goals and my wife made it clear her routine wasn’t going to change because I wasn’t off to the office at 6:00 am. So be it.
After all these years I sense a new phase in our lives. I wish it were otherwise, but I accept it and will go with the flow. My wife’s mobility issues limit what we can do. Travel will change, even shopping is changing, what I do to help is changing, but none of that has to do with retirement, but life’s journey.
Thankfully we are retired, still with a good attitude, reasonable health, not financially stressed and occasionally bored by choice.
There is an excellent book on this subject by Wes Moss, What The Happiest Retirees Know
Thank you for providing an honest reflection with practical advice.